What a Year, 2020

Looking back to December 2019 – Did you even expect this year’s graduation, school orientation, photoshoots, meetings, and even going to cinema would be done virtually/online? Nope. Everyone was excited for the new decade and seemed so positive about it. Oh well but the hype didn’t last long. We just stepped right in, and those crazy news keep surprising us. But it was all up to us, how did we react to the unexpected?

The Excitement and Disappointment

I had a huge plan for this year. I even called 2020 as my “Start Over”. In the beginning of 2020, though we heard a lot of crazy news, I felt like I had to focus on the blessings that allowed me to do what I wanted to do. Opening new gates, getting back to what’s left behind, going out of my shell, trying to get everything back on track as I planned. I remember saying, “Being positive about the year is not about setting a high expectation on what will happen throughout the year, then feeling disappointed of the reality. It is about finding the tiniest blessings in the midst of rainstorm.”

Customized my 2020 journal's cover, as if it was my novel haha

As the pandemic came in and everything should be done from home, (too) many of my plans were cancelled. I thought, “Okay this is for the better.” But when I sat down and (really) thought about it… The first thought that came up was, “Why it has to be happening when I’ve had a lot of plans on the list?”. Won’t lie, the excitement within me was loosen a little bit.

Let Go and Surrender

However, we couldn’t do much about the pandemic. I started to question, what's the best thing I could do in this circumstance? Letting go of my strict plans came as the first step to live up this year, for me. I didn’t know, for sure, what that “best thing to do” could be. We, most of the time, don’t know. We just, believe. So I surrendered and believed that the blessings will fall through my path. And oh God… We get what we believe, indeed. There were so much unexpected beautiful moments happened in 2020. And it was beyond my ability to even think of it. Opened the gates I’ve never thought I would, got new friends,  listened to new stories, fought and found an eye-opening moment, cried and dried by relief.

In this life, sometimes we meet pressures then tremble really hard. At those times, we hold our pens so hard as we want to be in control of our whole story. We forget that God, Himself, is the best writer for all of us; that we make our story along with him. He is in control of our story. When we don’t know what’s best for us, He knows. When we tremble out of pressure, He sustains. We got to let Him lead our story and we’ll see the treasure He’s been willing to show us.

Get Out of My Shell

As I said earlier, I wanted 2020 to be my “Start Over”. There were times before 2020, when I wanted to just disappear. It was ironic, that all I wanted actually was – to be found. I’ve been hiding and doubting myself for way too long, that I didn’t even notice I was locked in a deep place. That’s one of the reason why I planned a lot of things, to get out of my shell. I started the year by uploading a voice record of me – reading my poetry (I quit writing poetry 10 years ago since I thought it was embarrassing). I finally made and uploaded my first art makeup. And also, started my styling and creative directing service business (@styledbypalmarist). 

I thought by cancelling the other and further plan of it would make me change the title (“Start Over”) for this year. But it was amazing how God made me get out of my shell in a very limited wiggle room. There were a lot of tiny details have given significant changes in my life, this year. And all of these made the perfect Start Over for me.

My first art makeup, represents myself as an Aries.

Forgive and Thankful

Finally, let’s forgive others and – most importantly, ourselves. Dear myself, I forgive you for doubting me. I forgive you for being harsh to me. I forgive you for failing. I forgive you for thinking a lot and being anxious. And thank you for your agreement to get out of the shell. Thank you for convincing what I wanted. Thank you for crying, smiling, laughing, and being angry. Thank you for letting your emotions out, which I know, it was not easy. Thank you for being brave. Thank you for wanting to become a better self and fighting for it.

I’m thankful for this year as much as I am for the year before. Really hope that you feel the same :) Now let’s cherish the new year, 2021. Happy new year, everyone!